Let me start by saying that this is primarily a commentary on some of my thoughts on dating, not necessarily how I date. I rather enjoy dating, in its time and fashion, but I have often thought on what it could be (or consequently could not be). So the following thoughts are not my version of Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but rather some observations.
Dating today seems to have lost its identity. If you ask anyone what the word means, they will most likely give you some post-modern description of something between friends, friends-with-benefits, or a test-drive of marriage, which may or may not involve sex of varying degrees. Every culture has had some form of courtship with various rules and procedures of how to go about finding a spouse, but I doubt that any has had as wide a variety of styles or expectations or just plain confusion about what to do. Indeed, I would say with almost complete certainty that pursuing a definition of dating is a waste of time.
Instead, why not pursue what it could be? After all, it is here to stay, or so I imagine. For myself, dating has always had the end goal of determining whether or not I was going to marry the girl I was dating. This has always made it a more serious matter for me. I could never understand why anyone would want to be friends and call it something else. Besides, even friends have sex these days without any context of a deeper relationship, so what’s the point? Marriage is much more than just sex. It is a melding and binding of the souls of two people. It is certainly not an easy task, and it is no wonder that a marriage will only stand strong when the Lord binds it and holds it firm.
Starting with this context, then, what could dating look like? Well, it seems that it is a time for questioning and learning about the other person, and not just from the other person. Dating should get you to a point where you know the foundations of the other person, things like character, honesty, her ability to compromise, the strength of her faith, his ability to submit to authority figures and his ability to lead and manage his affairs. (Gender above is interchangable, hence the “his” in relation to submission; men must submit to authority just as much as women.) These foundations are of critical importance. The details always work out when the foundations are present and the couple irrevocably commits to one another and to the marriage. Dating, then, is a time of research and growing friendship. And, yes, you should be attracted to the person. The attraction is what draws you in the first place.
The above would lead to a situation where dating is the fact-finding, decision making time and engagement the marriage planning time. By marriage planning time, I don’t just mean the actual ceremony but also the intermingling of lives, finances, families, etc. You should know by that point that you are commited and have only the act of covenant-making before God left before you are fully husband and wife.
I could also see a scenario where the two never ever really date. A number of people find digging too much into details before engagement rather odd or distasteful. That’s certainly a possibility. Many people do not like sharing so much of themselves with another of the opposite sex for fear of giving away too much of their hearts. This is perfectly reasonable. In this scenario, the couple could completely skip dating, do the research on the foundational items, and then get engaged. While engaged, they could work out the details. I still think that engagement should be a decision already made. How, you ask? If you commit, you can always work out the details. Look back in history at the millions who were matched by others and not by choice. Many made happy homes together because they accepted that the person they had married was of good quality, and such a person is to be prized high above sometimes fun and pretty.
One further comment, and I’ll leave you to your obligatory acceptance of my thoughts… or your calling for outright abandonment of my reason. It seems to me that getting married at a younger age is in fact a much better idea than most would allow. Consider how difficult it is for older people (and by older, I mean even twent-somethings) to compromise their individual lives and grow together into a couple with another person. We have, by the time we have reached our mid-twenties, formed such an identity that we are fond of that it is most difficult to break ourselves to be formed into one being with another person. (By ‘one being’, I’m speaking of ‘dowd’, the Hebrew word that means ‘mingling of souls’ and the idea behind God making two one flesh.) When we are younger, on the other hand, we are more malleable. We have not “found ourselves” and can more easily grow up into a married couple. True, there are certainly some drawbacks, but I don’t know that we would necessarily consider them drawbacks if we were to have actually experienced it. We can only call them “drawbacks” because we don’t know if we would have turned into the same people with the same refinements we are today. (Also, I would like to point out that I am not trying to encourage younger marriages; this is merely an observation in keeping with the idea that if everything decays–as nature and the Bible would indicate is true–then perhaps we are wrong to look back to more “barbaric” ages and consider them so “barbaric. We might find, were we to venture back, that they were far more civilized than we are today. But that’s another topic for another time.)
6 Comments
Your thoughts on skipping dating altogether are intriguing. And, I agree with your thoughts on younger marriages being healthier. Discussion points: What would you say to those that state one must “find himself” or “know who he is” before getting seriously involved with someone else? Does one need to have a firmly established identity before entering into marriage? If the two become one in marriage, does a firmly established identity hinder this?
I think you had pretty good points until the last paragraph about getting married younger. I see your logic but don’t necessarily think that is the case. If God has it in your plan to be married then the right wife will work her way into your life regardless of age. You could also make the argument that if the two people were middle-aged that they have had the time to make many mistakes, learn from them and as a result will be better prepared which will result in an equally unifying marriage. I just don’t think you can say that early marriage is better because of the sheer amount of time you will spend together.
I think it is best to find spend some time finding yourself before you commit for the long-haul. I don’t if it means more or less coming from a guy who got married fairly young. Did not Paul suggest that we should remain single and heavy on the ministry?
I think that last paragraph may be misleading. I’m not promoting everyone getting married younger. It’s more a point of thinking a little more about how people used to do things and trying to find wisdom there. I think that there was wisdom in the past in getting two people married younger, who were married because the families saw the character of the other person and were still active in their lives. Now, I realize that not everything was perfect back then just as it is not now, but I think there was wisdom in what they did in that if you were to be married, you “found yourself” while you were already a husband and any thoughts of “well if I were single I could…” would more likely not pass through your head. I could be wrong. Remember, this is a logic excercise.
Also, I agree that you will never be married until God leads the right girl in front of you, so the point is made even more academic rather than practical. I just like looking at things from a different perspective and asking why something that is frowned upon now such a bad idea if it were a good idea in the past. I hope that clears up what I was trying to say with that point.
good post ryan, thanks.
all i can say is this: when it’s simple, it’s right. we make things so darn complicated. all these rules and culturally defined “safeguards.” i say to them, whatever. when you know you know and when you’re ready you’re ready. usually people that date forever and then break-up inevitably say “i knew i was not going to marry him/her early on” or “i kinda always knew it wouldn’t be long-term.” it’s kinda the same when you find the right person. you know pretty early on and if you are at a place in your life where (1) you are satisfied and content with yourself, (2) you are satisfied and content with God alone, and (3) you are mature and willing to accept the challenge of a covenant relationship, you go for it. or at least, i think you should go for it. like my grandma so eloquently said the other day..tee hee…”either do your business or get off the pot.”
it’s as simple as it should be, if you let it be.
Ryan – good post. I know that for me, the younger/older thing you spoke of was definitely true. I’ve only had 2 serious dating relationships – one at age 20, and one at age 30. The first one was easy – I fell in love quickly and easily overlooked anything that wasn’t “ideal” about my boyfriend. I had a very immature thought process about what marriage would be like.
At age 30, I had lived outside of my parents’ home for a number of years, found a good job that provides me with the ability to establish myself, and had a few experiences with roommates that taught me a lot about the reality of living with another person. It was definitely more difficult for me to let my mind take one step back from analyzing and re-analyzing every aspect of my new relationship and the potential outcomes for our future together, and just enjoy being with someone who makes me happy and who I know has a heart to always make me happy. My first boyfriend was by no means a better man than Mike – Mike surpasses him by leaps and bounds in so many ways! But when I was 20, I hadn’t lived as much life and didn’t have so many expectations built up. I also didn’t have nearly as much of a realistic view of what marriage will be like, and when you really think about being with someone for the rest of your life, it ought to scare you just a little bit! It should mostly make you happy if it’s the right person, but I think a little fear of the unknown is to be expected if you have a healthy view of things.
I felt guilty for feeling that way at first, but I thought back to when my co-worker was dating her now-husband and we were asking her when it was going to become permanent . . . she would say, “I don’t know Carissa . . . forever is a LONG TIME!” And then another girlfriend who is the same age as me, recently expressed that she has run from more than one relationship because of that thought. Since the number one need of women is security, any woman who has had time to live life on her own, I believe, will have to overcome this fear . . . and it’s not always easy!
I also totally agree with what you said about making up your mind to be happy and committed to whomever you do take marriage vows with. As you said, arranged marriages have stayed together for centuries because the two people were committed to make it work. I’m sure they didn’t always feel “in love”, but whether it was social norms or sheer determination that made them stick it out, they always managed to make it work, and often fell in love in the process. I think it’s hard not to love someone that you work so closely with to build a life and a family! I am personally praying that the love Mike and I have for each other now, is just the “tip of the iceberg” (so to speak) of what our love will be like 20 years down the road!
I just found this post and was very interested in what everyone had to say. I was hoping more married people would say something but appreciate each point of view. I’m one of those who dated when I was younger (early 20s) and even got a few proposals, but I knew something wasn’t right and non of those relationships progressed. Now in my mid-thirties and I can’t remember the last time I had an honest to goodness date. As the wise Mr. Mayoli always tells me..your time will come. God’s plan is perfect for each one. It doesn’t always look like we think it should but in the end it works out perfectly..whether we are younger or older. I look at it this way, I’ve had way more time to get involved with God things..and it’s been awesome! smm